Breaking the 'Nice' Mold: Navigating the Downsides of People Pleasing as a Woman

Author image for Briana Viser
Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Mar 12, 2024 12:00 PM EDT

Have you ever heard someone tell you to smile more, or that you're prettier when you smile? Or has a man told you an inappropriate joke or out of context comment that made you uncomfortable, but you laughed anyway because you thought it was the 'proper' response? We all have…the blunders of being a woman in a man's world. It can feel so seamlessly intuitive to just smile and nod, giggle, tell men 'yes' instead of 'no,' but at the end of those moments we don't always feel very good about ourselves. 

It's not easy to go against societal expectations, but sometimes it's necessary, not only for you but for women everywhere. Just because a man wants us to be pretty for him doesn't mean we have to, pleasing a stranger for their own benefit won't do us any good. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, 'would they do it for me?' Or better yet, if you don't smile and nod, is someone going to get hurt? Besides a stranger's ego, no.

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  • 01
    r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide ⚫ 4 TurnoverValuable4362 How to stop being "too nice"?
    via u/TurnoverValuable4362
  • 02
    A lot of my close friends tell me that I'm too nice and should stop being a doormat. I'm also self aware that I am that way but I don't know how to stop myself. It's like an immediate response to make the other person feel better or to not make someone feel bad even though they're not a good person.
    via u/TurnoverValuable4362
  • 03
    How do I get over this mind block of not wanting to upset people? (not all people but people who aren't good and don't deserve being nice to) Edit: Thank you everyone for your advice! This is something I really need to work on for my own happiness so I really appreciate everyones response
    via u/TurnoverValuable4362
  • 04
    Alarmed-Toe-352 • 4d ago Start with learning how to make boundaries and stick to them
    via u/Alarmed-Toe-352
  • 05
    Trifoliumhare • 4d ago How about you try to just pause a bit before you answer people? Just try to stop answering on reflex. Then take the next step and try to say no to certain things.
    via u/Trifoliumhare
  • 06
    Maybe identify a situation you are often in, so you can prepare yourself mentally before it happens and change the way you act. Even if you say no with an excuse like "oh sorry, I'm busy that day" or whatever.
    via u/Trifoliumhare
  • 07
    I'm sure there's self-help books you can look into, but that's how I would approach it.
    via u/Trifoliumhare
  • 08
    RubiesNotDiamonds 4d ago Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube helped me.
    via u/RubiesNotDiamonds
  • 09
    nanny2359 4d ago Consider why you are being too nice. Some "people pleasers" are reacting with a fawn response to something that reminds you of an unsafe situation.
    via u/nanny2359
  • 10
    Danisk... • 4d ago Edited 4d ago People pleasing in my experience stems from a fear of rejection. Rejection doesn't have to be just a 'no'. Since at your core you identify as a 'nice person', doing anything that might be anything other than nice can lead to a rejection of your nice person identity. Other
    via u/Danisk..
  • 11
    reasons people may be too nice include; a fear of your own guilt, fear of conflict, fear of being left, fear of being judged etc. It's important to identify which reason drives your nice persona the most so you can 'cure' it. Since mine was rejection,I practiced being rejected(Idk if
    via u/Danisk..
  • 12
    you've heard of the rejection challenge). And this shifted my mindset to embrace rejection from others and not take it so personal anymore. It was once I learned how to be comfortable with being rejected that I became comfortable with the concept of rejecting others. This includes setting
    via u/Danisk..
  • 13
    boundaries and detaching my identity from the outcome. Saying no doesn't make me selfish,it makes me someone who said no. That's it. I think it's also important in your case to discern that it really has little to do with whether the recipient is "good" or "deserves it".
    via u/Danisk..
  • 14
    Edit; if you're into books I highly recommend the book Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura
    via u/Danisk..
  • 15
    NoNecessary5 • 4d ago Honestly, no comment or advice in this thread will help. I'm sure it will all be great advice but you said you're self- aware so you will know everything already. The only thing that will help is finding out why you're afraid of upsetting people and going
    via u/NoNecessary5
  • 16
    upsetting people and going from there. I'm speaking from experience. Therapy helped somewhat, at least with realising why I feel the need to not upset anyone.
    via u/NoNecessary5
  • 17
    Ok-Fishcake3479 • 4d ago I've struggled with this myself. For me being nice is a way to not be seen. To get in and out of situations uninvolved. The cost of course is later on it doesn't always sit well cause it might go against my values/boundaries.
    via u/Ok-Fishcake3479
  • 18
    And friends saying you're "too nice" and it sounds like a criticism. Try not saying anything at all or pretending you didn't hear and don't care?
    via u/Ok-Fishcake3479
  • 19
    Also start small. Do you apologize a lot? If I made a noise I didn't intend to make, I would apologize. Or if I got in someone's way, I'd be apologetic. Pause and try to stop that. I told myself I didn't need to apologize for existing.
    via u/Ok-Fishcake3479
  • 20
    And don't forget to be kind to yourself. Good luck.
    via u/Ok-Fishcake3479
  • 21
    ManicPixieDreamSloot • 4d ago So, it always confuses me when people tell me i am "too nice" And ive come to realize that the people who usually tell me that are, typically, opportunists themselves and have no problem taking advantage of other people's kindness OR they are people pleasers who
    via u/ManicPixieDreamSloot
  • 22
    are making themselves available to the wrong people ot for the wrong reaons lol I am a generous person, i share food, I'll out gas in your tank if you drive ne somewhere and i know you're between checks, if i have a key to your apartment (my close buds), I'll drop in and leave groceries or prepare a
    via u/ManicPixieDreamSloot
  • 23
    dinner/snack if i have time and i know you've had a rough week I have literally given away BOXES AND BOXES of clothes to people - even if they're mostly strangers or acquaintances who found themselves in a totally unexpected situation (im thinking of a time a friend of mine, F, early 20s, who foubd
    via u/ManicPixieDreamSloot
  • 24
    our that the care giver who gad raised her, her older brothe, and was raising her 14 y% sister had passed...long story shot, this chick was 2p and her bro was nuch older and i hit her up and was literally like "what size is she in pants, cause i am short hut I'll never be a size 0-2 again in my life and i have a TON of clothes in storage she
    via u/ManicPixieDreamSloot
  • 25
    can have - i literally gave away like 6 boxes of clothes Imao - and still somehow have so many??? I feel lie i wear the same things each week, idk what my deal is lol) Gift giving is one of my love. languages. So are acts of service.
    via u/ManicPixieDreamSloot

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men confidence relationships feminism lol nice couples love reddit thread Reddit funny people pleasing women dating
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